Following through the Fear

"And as they followed, they were afraid"  Mark 10:32

"At the beginning we were sure we knew all about Jesus Christ; it was a delight to sell all and to fling ourselves out in a hardihood of love; but now we are not so sure.  Jesus is out in front and He looks strange."

I read these words by Oswald Chambers today and somehow, they seemed to express what I have been feeling deep within over this past week.  Following Jesus anywhere, any time has such a resounding ring to it.  We vow it.  We want it.  Yet, the reality of what it means day in, day out, is somehow not always so thrilling.  There are many occasions to contemplate what exactly this following is all about.  And it's true, He is way out in front, sometimes almost imperceptible.  And at times, truth be told, I am afraid.  Afraid of what it costs.  Afraid of missing the mark.  Afraid maybe even of Him. 

Yet I am encouraged by one thing.  The disciples, though filled with fear, still followed.  Perhaps it's not so much the state of our emotions, our doubts, our fears that matter the most but that even with that baggage, we still step out into this rugged life of discipleship.

"There is an aspect of Jesus that chills the heart of a disciple to the core and makes the whole spiritual life gasp for breath.  This strange Being with his face "set like a flint" and His striding determination, strikes terror into me.  He is no longer Counsellor and Comrade.  He is taken up with a point of view I know nothing about, and I am amazed at Him.  At first I was confident that I understood Him, but now I am not so sure.  I begin to realize that there is a distance between Jesus Christ and me; I can no longer be familiar with Him.  He is ahead of me and He never turns round; I have no idea where He is going, and goal has become strangely far off."


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